I Felt Guilty Letting Go Of Our Helper — But It Was The Right Choice For Our Family

Being able to hire a domestic helper is such a huge blessing in Singapore, one that I have been fortunate enough to partake in for many years, be it to help with chores, infant care, and even elderly care. When they're a great fit, the helper becomes part of your family, bringing you peace of mind that the house and everything related to it is running smoothly. It’s something so many of us take for granted here.

But if that’s not the case, you also need to know it’s time to change helpers.

My last helper had been with us for 9 years, and she was family. Needless to say, I felt my world tremble when she decided that she was ready to bid Singapore goodbye and return to her own aging parents and children. It was going to be very hard for anyone to fill her shoes and for us to find someone like her.

Luckily we managed to quickly find another helper, and though she was slightly older this time, I hoped for the best again. However, while the new helper was very honest and trustworthy, more mature and patient for some things, it soon became apparent that this helper wasn’t the best fit for my family. In the end, I gave her a 3-month notice period after six months of trying, so that she had enough time to find another employer. While I felt guilty about making the decision to let her go, I also knew that it was the right choice for my household.

Going through anything similar?

Blase attitude

After a happy 9-year working relationship, I was aware that it was a different market now and helpers have different expectations. But having tension in the house means having a bit of a toxic atmosphere in the house too, and that is a huge red flag for me and for my small family. Our new helper was clearly at the end of her time as a helper in Singapore and was just biding her time earning a little more money before she returned home - so in a sense, she really had nothing to lose if she returned home earlier.

Being older, she was quite set in her ways after settling in, didn’t want to learn any new cooking apart from what little she already knew and cooked for herself, was not interested in interacting or bonding with the children, wasn’t really fussed if things didn't finish in time - there was always tomorrow.

She would happily wear glasses all day every Sunday, but refused to wear them in the house because "they make my eyes water". As a result, she just wasn’t able to see a lot of the dust and things like that in the house! Despite reassuring her that we would pay for her medical costs, she refused to get her eyes checked by a doctor. Didn’t exactly seem fair to me.

A tense home environment

One always hopes that the helper becomes a part of your family, especially since she’s living in your home. But unfortunately our helper was not interested at all in forging new relationships with me or even the children, and was just doing a job for the month-end salary. There was no chemistry and no sense of belonging, unfortunately.

I was still doing all the groceries and the cooking - and the cleaning that was getting done at home wasn’t even that great - so why was I losing my calm and peace of mind and still struggling to try and make this work, when it seemed one-sided because I had more vested into this relationship and she was just biding her time? It wasn’t fair to the children that I was always irritated or would lose my temper at the smallest of things. It wasn’t their fault - I was just always stressed and at my wits end all day, everyday, managing the helper, home and work.

IMAGE: 123RF

My sense of guilt

Being privileged enough to provide employment to someone else so that they are able to better help their family too, I was wracked with guilt all those months about letting her go. Also, despite our best efforts, we weren’t able to make our new helper feel completely happy and welcome in our home. And that's not a nice feeling to have to live with in someone else’s house.

And then when I finally decided to let her go, I still kept feeling so guilty because she wasn’t employable and had no luck finding another job despite giving her three months' notice. But I knew that letting her go was the right choice for my family.

At the end of it, my helper also realised that she wasn’t as employable as she originally had thought, and made peace with returning back to her family a year earlier than expected. And ironically, that realisation actually made her last few weeks with us more enjoyable and friendly, as she was excited about being with her children too. In the end, it was a happy, win-win situation for both her and me.

It’s okay to say goodbye

Having gone through all that guilt and letting our helper go has been one of the best decisions I have made all year - and well worth the guilt. The house feels happier and totally tension-free, and more importantly, I’m not starting and ending my day frustrated and irritated, so no one else in the house is picking up on my bad vibes and low energy. If anything, this experience has taught (me and) the children that it's okay to say goodbye despite your best efforts and intentions, and that you’re going to be better off for it.

And that in itself, is a priceless lesson for young children to learn at home.

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