How I Learned To Make Peace With My Backseat-Driving Mother-in-Law

When I got married, people warned me about how things between my wife and I would “definitely change”, or how our first big argument might be over something trivial - like what colour our bathroom should be (definitely not green).

But nobody really warned me about this part of marriage: my mother-in-law, seated behind me, becoming very concerned about every single decision I made on the road.

“Why you go this way?”
“Last time my husband don’t drive like that.”

At first, I thought it was just her being her. After talking about it with my wife, I understood it was probably nerves, and a lifetime of being used to sitting next to the driver, not behind him.

I did what any confused son-in-law would do: I tried different ways to deal with it.

I learned to set expectations early

One mistake I made early on was debating routes with my wife while already driving. Then it becomes a mini argument in the car between mother and daughter about which direction is the fastest, while I focused on not missing the next turn.

Now, before we even leave the car park, I’ll casually say before a long journey, “Today I’ll just follow Waze ah. Traffic very unpredictable. Remember the other time jam was so bad.”

This sounds small, but it helps a lot. Once the plan is clear, there’s less reason to keep suggesting alternatives halfway through. And if she still questions it later, I’ll just say Waze told me to go that way.

I stopped fighting for control and started sharing it

Backseat drivers don’t just want to nag. A lot of the time, I feel like they just want to feel involved.

Instead of saying, “I know, I know,” I started saying things like: “Ma, help me see left side got motorbike or not” or “Can help me check which car park nearer?”

Suddenly, she was contributing. It turns out, when people feel useful, they’re less likely to hover over my head. Her directions are still very bad though; I feel safer leaving that to Waze.

I learned that music could change the whole mood

Very recently, instead of replying to another comment about my braking, I played an old Cantopop song. My mother-in-law leaned back and said, “Wah, this song very long time I never listen already.”

And just like that, the tension melted. It made sense. When people feel relaxed or nostalgic, they’re less anxious. And when they’re less anxious, they’re less likely to comment on your driving every five seconds.

Since I'm not exactly well-versed in nostalgic tunes, I regularly connect the Kakee app to my car using Bluetooth. Stations like 88.3JIA Cantopop and Power98 Jukebox are full of songs from her era. Once the music starts, she’s smiling, sometimes telling stories about her past, or sometimes just quietly listening.

Turns out there are perks for me too - for instance, during one long car ride, I found out that Kakee's running a small radio tie-in contest. The DJs on POWER 98 and 88.3JIA drop a “fortune cookie” phrase during selected segments, and if you’re already listening on the app, you can submit it for a chance at weekly prizes.

From what I’ve seen, the giveaways are pretty practical: things like fuel or dining vouchers, Kakee merch, and small festive-style rewards, with one larger prize at the end of the campaign. It’s been a nice little bonus, on top of keeping my mother-in-law happy during traffic jams. 

What I eventually understood

After years of driving with my mother-in-law in the backseat - and at one point last year, driving for hours at a time in New Zealand - I realised something. It was about safety and trust. And for her, adjusting to a new role in a new family.

Once I stopped seeing her as “the backseat driver” and more as someone who just wanted reassurance, the drives became calmer (sometimes). And I found myself less tense behind the wheel (most of the time).

Marriage doesn’t just teach you how to live with your partner. It also teaches you how to make space for the people who raised them.

Now, when I listen to an old song playing in the car and see my mother-in-law humming in the back seat, I remind myself that these moments are temporary. But how I choose to handle it will last much longer.

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